I think that one of the traits that dominate my personality is the drive to be comfortable. Not personally comfortable, that’s too difficult to achieve on a regular basis. But I find that one of the things I really strive for when dealing with other people is to make them comfortable around me, to make them relax and feel good. And to a degree it works. I’ve had two girlfriends in the past, and they are similar in one way only: they both told me that they felt very comfortable around me.
The problem with this is that it doesn’t leave much room for me to know who I am. Around people I don’t really know, I’m very deferential, polite, and quiet. I very rarely disagree with a person to their face until I know them well.
You would think that at the point where I would be comfortable arguing with a person, I would be comfortable in general around them. But unfortunately, that’s not the case. Because by the time I’m comfortable about a person, I’ve created a mask that I use for them. One which makes them comfortable. One which is as alien to me as the public face that I put on.
I shouldn’t be complaining, because it’s never a problem. I’ve been doing this for years. Back when I did exactly as I felt, I was the grade school nerd with no friends or sense of society. But sometimes I get the feeling that when I stopped acting like myself, I lost something. I’ve gained a lot since then, but… I don’t know. I’m sure that the friends I have now, the society I enjoy and the company I keep, are each worth whatever sacrifice I may have made individually, and as a whole my life is better now.
But who am I really? I haven’t really known for years.
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