i am not enrolled in the federal witness protection program
i have never been outside the earth’s atmosphere for any reason.
i have never been party to any process that breaks known natural law
i have never broken a bone in my body
i have no family history of crime or serious illness or deviancy
i have never defused a bomb, let alone at the last minute
i have never live-fired a 50-caliber weapon or anything larger
i have never driver faster than 100 mph
i have never built a laser
i have never hacked into pentagon computers
i have never killed a person
i have never saved a person’s life
i am not wanted by any police agency
i have never become drunk
i am a single white teenaged male citizen of the united states
…
yet for some reason, i persist in believing that my life is interesting to others
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